Julie and Sports

These are true stories, I swear.


The Umpire

I like to watch baseball. Julie doesn’t. But Julie lets me watch it almost every night on the wide-screen TV because she doesn’t want me to have to watch it on a regular TV. Some nights, however, she comes in and watches the baseball game with me. I always say, “You can turn on anything you want. I don’t have to watch this game.” She insists, however, that I watch my game. She has been watching baseball games with me for years, but last night she surprised me. This is true. She asked, “Who is the man in the black shirt?” I said, “Do you mean the man standing behind the catcher?” She said, “Yes, him, what does he do?” I said in astonishment, “He’s the umpire! He calls the balls and strikes!” She said, “Oh, I thought that the catcher did that.” I said, “How could the catcher do that? He would want every pitch to be a strike.” I asked, “What did you think the umpire was there for?” She said, “I thought he was there to give balls to the catcher.”

Stealing Bases
One time when we were watching baseball, the runner on first stole second base. Julie said, “I don’t like that. It’s not fair.” I said, “Stealing bases is a basic part of baseball. How can you not like it?” She said, “I think it’s sneaky.”

Blocking Shots
Once while we were watching basketball, which she likes, a player blocked another player’s shot. Julie asked, “Can he do that?” I said, “Yes, that is what he is supposed to do. That is an important part of the game.” She said, “Well, I think it’s unfair.”

Sacking the Quarterback
Julie’s most famous remark came while we were watching football. The quarterback went back to throw the ball and the defense swarmed all over him. There was a pile-up. Julie asked, with concern in her voice, “What are they doing?” I said, “They are sacking the quarterback.” Julie said, “Well, can’t they do it nicely?” (When I told D.L. Stewart about this he remarked, "Only the Cleveland Browns do it nicely.")
On another occasion the quarterback went back to pass and the opposing team sacked him. Julie asked: “Are they allowed to do that? He didn’t even get a chance to throw the pass?” I said: “Of course they can do that. They are supposed to do it.” Julie said: “Well, that’s not fair. They should at least give him a chance to pass the ball.”

The End Zone
The Michigan State football team was down near the end zone and was trying to score a touchdown. The quarterback threw a pass into the end zone and the Michigan State receiver and the Ohio State defender both went up for it. The Ohio State defender came down with the ball, and Julie and I both cheered. The referee then took the ball out to the 20th yeard line for Ohio State to take over. Julie asked: "what are they doing?" I said, "Ohio State intercepted the ball, so they get to take over at the 20th yard line." She said, "But didn't Ohio State just score a touchdown?" I said, "No, they intercepted the ball, so now they have to go down to the opposite end zone to score a touchdown." Julie looked bewildered. She said: "I thought you scored a touchdown if you caught it in the end zone no matter which end zone you caught it in."

Hats
One time we were watching a night baseball game. Julie asked: “Why do baseball players wear hats at night?” I explained that it was necessary to block gamma rays from the moon.

The Extra Point
The team had just scored a touchdown and was lined-up for the extra point. Julie asked: “Why are they (the team kicking the extra point) lined-up like that?” I explained that it was necessary for the kicking team to prevent the other team from coming in and blocking the kick. “You mean that they don’t just let him kick? That’s not fair! They should let him kick.” she said. I said “But the other team wants to block the kick, and they often do.” “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard” she said.

The Kickoff
One of the football teams had just kicked-off and the receiver had elected not to catch the ball. When it came to rest, the kicking team gathered around it. Julie asked: “Why are they standing around the ball like that?” I said: “So that it will not fly off.”

Ohio State
Julie is a fan of the Ohio State football team. Every time they play she expresses the reason that she likes them so much. “Look at their helmets. Aren’t they pretty? They sparkle!” I acknowledged that other teams’ helmets do not sparkle and therefore they are not entitled to be rated among the top teams.

Julie and the No-Hitter

I was talking to Julie about the no-hitter thrown by Homer Bailey of the Cincinnati Reds and she said: “I don’t understand why they call it a no-hitter. Does that mean that they got no home runs? The other team got a lot of hits.” I said: No, it doesn’t mean that they got no home runs. Do you mean that they hit the ball a lot.” She answered: “Yes, they got lots of hits.” I said: “But those weren’t hits as that term is used in baseball. On every one of them the hitter hit the ball, but he was put out. His hit either caused a put-out at first base or it was caught by a fielder.” “Well, that’s just stupid” she said.