Artificial intelligence is to intelligence as artificial flowers are to flowers.
The Virgin Birth—A miss conception.
The reason that there are no atheists in foxholes is that they have deferments from military service.
Husbands abhor a vacuum.
There was a seismologist who was polite to a fault.
Why did they call it the Last Supper? Because after that they called it Dinner.
If it wasn’t for women men would still be carrying clubs—--drivers, irons, and putters.
What are all of these sweeping tax changes? I didn’t even know there was a sweeping tax.
I’m in favor of feminism—with reservations—to Tokyo.
Never eat on an empty stomach.
Keep the field hands at arms length.
Never talk to strangers, even if you know them.
Keep your chins up.
What hath God overwrought?
People’s cross words are a puzzle to me.
LeMoult’s Law: Bills expand to fill the amount of money available to pay them. The corollary, bills placed in a drawer cross-fertilize, reproduce, and propagate.
I am against panda-ing to the Chinese communists.
A man he works from sun to sun
A woman’s work is never done
Because she’s always on the phone
The paths of gravy lead but to the gut.
An idealistic person who likes to tell puns is “quipsodic.”
Hard cabbages make bad slaw.
An alcoholic ambassador is a “Dipsomat.”
There are three kinds of clouds, cirrus, serious, and tsoris.
Money cannot buy happiness, but it can rent it.
I’m going through mensapause—I’m having flashes of brilliance.
Thank God I’m an atheist.
The increase in pornography is the “National Gross Product.”
An unhappy married couple who stay together have “static cling.”
Early question of Catholic Church doctrine: Whether Christ is present in the bread or just the crust.
I know that Jesus was born in a stable but I doubt he ever expected that so much horseshit would be associated with his name.
If you cannot be a role model be a bagel model.
Do not ask for whom the bell tolls and do not volunteer for anything.
The biting of one’s fingernails might be considered a virtue in a proctologist.
All those people who believe in God are going to be surprised when they die and find out that there is no afterlife.
We need an institution for the criminally inane.
A dessert that looks like whipped cream and tastes like fried plastic—“cruel whip.”
I get up at 5:00 a.m. Is that why people say I remind them of early man?
Recent discoveries in a cave outside Coo Kin China have included a history of the previously unknown Un Sung Dynasty written by Hoo Soo.
When was the Boxer Shorts Rebellion?
If I were to be allowed one sin I would like to be tried, convicted, and sentenced for repeated goal tending in basketball.
Noah and his lovely wife Joan of Ark.
I believe that there are UFO’s flying about in the atmosphere and that they are manned by aliens from another planet who have an unusual interest in dimwitted people from the American South and West.
I am descended from Col. Rudolph Thicke who distinguished himself in the Crimean War by leading the valiant but unheralded charge of the Heavy Brigade.
Ignorance is wasted on the young.
The one unforgivable thing your friends can do—--very well.
Never look a gift husband in the mouth.
There is a machine set up at the entrance of every shoe store that shrinks your feet as you enter the store and restores them to their original size when you leave with your new shoes.
Name for a prostitute—Sue Pine
All men are cremated equal.
Slogan for fat people: Be all that you can be.
I’m tired of oral sex—--talk, talk, talk.
I’m tired of sex in the movies. The last time we did it I almost got arrested.
On what grounds do you claim that your coffee tastes the best?
The 90 year old woman whose husband took Viagra. It was a hard thing for her to grasp.
Why is America called “America” and not Vespucci?
The seven other dwarfs—Icky, Sticky, Picky, Tricky, Sexy, Stupid, and Steve.
I have always wondered why some police departments employ sidekicks to help them find lost people. Would Gabby Hayes, or Pat Butram, or Robin, or Poncho be better at this than others?
A sign in Heaven—“No Smoking.” A sign in Hell—“Smoking.”
“There is a leak in my swimming pool.”
“Build a fence around it.”
“What good would that do?”
“Then, nobody will leak in your swimming pool.”
Hitler before the Nuremburg War Crimes Tribunal: “Guilty with an explanation.”
I went to a rare bird store and asked them if they had any medium-rare birds.
I was drunk once in my life--from 1976 through 1987.
I was so drunk at a party that they had to scrape me off the hostess.
In all of the dispute about women becoming priests, we forget about all of the men who want to become nuns.
Recommended slogan for the Charmin bathroom tissue company: “Fill the world with happy assholes.”
How a married man can dramatically improve his sex life--get a divorce.
The ultimate form of relaxation is death.
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart, and you'll never wear cologne.
Dear President Truman:
We got your Atomic Bomb. Thanks, but no thanks. What's the big idea?
Very truly yours,
Emperor Hierohito
Dear Emperor Hierohito,
Suck it up.
Harry Truman
There is a temperature stupidity index.
There is a movie about hens that come back from the dead and haunt a family. It is called "Poultrygeist."
What about Murphy's Slaw?
How about a combined marathon and house tour?
You must remember this
a Bris is just a bris
our guy is still a guy
If you were the only mohel
in the world
and I was the only goy
Country and western song; "She lived in a mobile home
and worked in a stationary store."
There is a famous surgeon named Lance Boyle.
I'm dead against the idea of a nuclear freeze. Where would they get the freezers big enough to store all those bombs. Also, it would take hours, even days, to thaw-out the bombs if you needed them. They would be icy BMs.
How about a beer called "To Excess." Everybody who drank it would drink To Excess.
Fee fi fo fuffen
I smell the smell of an English Muffin.
I cry at the drop of a hat. In fact, I was in the store the other day and a man dropped his hat. I started crying.
I couldn't get into MENSA so joined a group for slow-witted people called DENSA.
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