Churches in Greenwich Connecticut

When God first created Greenwich, He looked down and saw people who were happy, contented, rich and Congregationalist. This, for some reason, disturbed Him greatly. God got nervous when people were tranquil, so He said to Himself “Behold, they are one people and they have one church; and this is only the beginning of what they will do. Come, let us go down and bust their chops, and create new, contentious churches, so that they may give each other the business.”

So God descended upon them and put a bee in their bonnet, and the people of the Round Hill Church began to accuse each other of heresy and tastelessness. One issue divided the congregation. It was whether the precise temperature of hell was 673 degrees, as claimed by the Minister, Dr. Zebulon Tophet, or 95 degrees with 85% humidity, as claimed by the dissidents led by Moses Feake.

The dissidents opened their own church on an adjoining lot in 1782. Dr. Tophet hurled heated invective, vituperation, anathemas, and excommunications across the way, killing two dissidents and injuring one.

Meanwhile, God was busy helping people. It was His policy to hear all prayers. But God stuck to his policy of moving in mysterious ways. Thus, those praying for wealth, health and a new kitchen, failed to show proper appreciation when God gave them hemorrhoids. People continued to believe in God but thought He had an unlisted number.

For example, Elma Sloop prayed: “God Almighty, why haven’t I gotten the Merillat cabinets I asked for last year?” God spoke out of the whirlwind: “Where were you when I laid the foundations of your builder’s colonial? Tell me if you have understanding. Who brought in the plumbing and repaired it when the pipes burst? Who wired the houses so they could hook up seven T.V. sets and six stereos? Who? You? Nooo.” So Elma was chastened, and said “Lord, I know thou canst do all things, and thy reasons are hidden, so don’t worry about me, I don’t really need cabinets, and besides, there’s a sale at Sears next week.”

Over the years other churches were founded. The Episcopals opened Christ Church only to experience that inexorable plunge toward disorder and entropy governed by the second law of thermodynamics. Soon there were High Episcopals, Low Episcopals, and Medium Episcopals. They all disagreed about the same issue that divided the early Church Fathers, Jerome, Augustine, Ambrose and Harry, i.e., whether Christ is present in the bread or just the crust.

Eventually there were so many churches in Greenwich that residents had choices ranging from the Memorial Church of the Very Holy Ghosts, to Randy Tophet’s First Church of Rent-a-God. Randy’s church believes in a hired power. They just don’t buy religion. Randy’s congregation tries harder than other congregations and prays to “Number One.”

Finally, the atheists of town formed their own church, “St. O’Hare’s,” with the motto “Thank God we’re atheists.” Malcolm Feuerbach, minister of the church, was fond of saying that religious people were in for a big surprise when they died because they would wake up and find out that there is no God.