The Coming-Out Party

The Coming-Out Party was originated by the Sinoway Indians. Young Indian maidens of the tribe were stripped naked, smeared with buffalo grease, and required to dance before the young bucks of the tribe while the bucks beat their tom toms. In order to come-out, a pre-squaw needed a large escort, and could not hold a coming-out party without a lot of bucks.

Over the centuries the coming out party has evolved into a charming and graceful affair in which debutantes get to drink champagne, eat caviar, dance all night at the country club, and wear fashionable gowns which cover-up the buffalo grease.

The recent debut of Pricilla Papworth Longbottom is an example. Pricilla, “Pru”, did not want to have a coming-out party. She wanted to give all of the money to the poor people of Darien, Connecticut, and become a nun in the Catholic Church. Her father was pleased, but her mother, a pillar of the Round Hill Episcopal Church, took an overdose of Diet Valium, and spent six weeks in Greenwich Hospital. Finally Pru agreed to have a coming-out party, and Mrs. Papworth Longbottom came home well and ready to hire the caterers.

Pru looked lovely in her white gown with only a hint of buffalo grease in the cleft. She was escorted by Tip Wellsmith, son of the renowned proctologist, Skip Wellsmith, and by Rip Flosswhight, son of the financier and part time beer mug collector, Flip Flosswhight. Everyone danced under the tents to the music of Lester Lanin and his band.

Late that night Sister Mary of the Little Sisters of St. Myrtle parked her van at the dark end of the Longbottom driveway and stole up the road to the back of the house. The ladder was out of the garage, and Sister Mary pulled it up and leaned it against the house. Soon a dark figure descended the ladder carrying a bundle. At the bottom, Sister Mary said, “Jesus is happy tonight. You’ve made the right decision. Now you can spend the rest of your life working for God instead of idling your time in decadent high society.” Mr. Longbottom looked up: “I’ve wanted to be a Trappist monk for twenty years now. Thanks for the lift Sister. Those two women can have the Junior League, I’m off for Kentucky and a life of contemplation.”